I was reading an article on MSN money (http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/RaiseKids/ShouldParentsBailOutTheirKids.aspx) that said the following:
The psychological dynamics get even more complex if some adult kids are getting help while others aren't. Financial planner Victoria Collins of Irvine, Calif., advised one wealthy family whose two self-sufficient sons deeply resented the tens of thousands of dollars given to their underemployed sister. The brothers felt they were being punished for being economically responsible. "And they worried about the (subsidy's) effect on their future inheritance," added Collins, a co-author of "Best Intentions: Ensuring Your Estate Plan Delivers Both Wealth and Wisdom."
Am I alone in thinking that if those were my sons I’d cut them off completely? They’re concerned about the effect of “their future inheritance!?” There is no such thing as a “future inheritance,” it should be called what it is: my parent’s money that they worked their entire lives to accumulate and they should be able to spend on whoever or whatever they please. Sheesh! The nerve of some people.
A married couple who used to sleep in and chill with their pet rabbits now try to keep up with their twin sons
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6 comments:
I think it is a bigger deal in "wealthy" families, where often the wealth of the parents was at least partially inherited in the first place and can therefore be reasonably expected to pass on to the next generation. Even if they are self-made, there is a good chance they accomplished what they did due to the hard work (usually in providing an education) done by their own parents. So again, a multi-generational effect comes into play. The sons in question probably are self-sufficient due largely to this effect, as well as their own hard work.
Jon's maternal grandfather was cut out of his father's will by his stepmother, but went on to become a self-made millionaire. He gave most of his money away rather than pass it on to his children and grandchildren because of the good he thought it did him to have to struggle. Jon's Mom convinced him to give them some eventually. I would love to have been the beneficiary of more of that money, but I recognize it was his to do with as he pleased. But the closer it gets to my generation, the harder that acceptance is. One of Jon's siblings has taken advantage of his parent's generosity to the point that they have placed a clause in their will stating that X sibling is to get Y amount less than the others in the final division of assets. As far as I know, none of the other 7 siblings has outright complained about favoritism, but keeping things fair is a necessary (albeit a Sisyphean) task. I don't keep track of what my parents are doling out to whom, but I have occasionally noticed my own privileges waning slightly when their assistance was more needed by one of their other children.
I can't claim to have ever suffered, any more than the sons in the story probably have, but the equitable division of familial assets has been a contentious issue since biblical times, and deserves full family discussion. If parents consider their money to be theirs to do with as they will, so be it, but that expectation should be clarified to all their children. If they plan to build intergenerational wealth, that is best planned together as well. And if their retirement plan is “spend it all, and then sponge off the kids in our dotage,” well, that changes the game entirely.
Well, I figure my parents are entitled to at least 18 years of a free ride off of me, should they need it (probably more, since they paid for my college education).
Is that 18 years worth of living with you, or 18 years worth of living at an assisted living facility at $30,000 per year? Does the generosity end when your finances do, or when the financial score is even? What about how helping them will affect your own future financial security? If you don't have children that's not so much of an issue, but if you do, again, that's a game-changer. I'm not saying you shouldn't have the attitude you do, I think it is laudable. But my own is, well, complicated an nuanced, at best.
You might like the "For Love and Money" column that usually appears in the WSJ every Sunday. It deals with all manner of intergenerational money issues. Or it might drive you nuts.
I can appreciate that you think I'm naive about this issue. Life is complicated. Obviously you cannot help your parents or any friends or family beyond what you can afford, and completely compromising your own financial security is of no good to anyone, the beneficiary or the giver. But I do know that life is not about keeping score. It is about doing what is right, and it is right to care for those you love without any expectation of compensation.
I'm happy to know that a discussion like this goes on at times between our children. We, of course, have already seen how easily tension and hurt feelings can arise in regard to selling homes or subsidizing home purchases. Subsidizing college education has been another potential flash point especially when each of our children took a completely different path.
All I hope for is that you believe us when we say we have no favorites and that we try to be as fair as possible. However, we may sometimes try to "level the playing field" at least temporarily if someone is really in bad shape financially. And we're doing the best we can to avoid being a burden on any of our kids in our old age.
Thanks for bringing up the topic, Lisa.
I wasn't trying to imply that you were naive, but rather that I am a little jaded, mostly from watching what has happened in other people's families. And for the record I think my parents have navigated financial "fairness" issues as well as anyone could be expected to so far.
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